Drive Me Sane Page 5

  Clamping his jaw tight, he let the rush of guilt again settle over him as Sera turned back to the lawnmower. The thunder of the engine gave clear indication that the conversation was over. Trying to think of something to say, not wanting this to be the end, he stood still for a few moments.

  Closing his eyes, he thought back to that awful day when the life he’d always pictured slipped away. Sera had called just as they were loading the bus in the piss-pouring rain, ready to leave for a two-week run of small-town bars. It was the cruelest type of shows: late nights in little named towns with a rowdy bunch that couldn’t care less about the free music being played. A small flat fee was paid, but Tyler made little to nothing from the gig himself.

  He’d dashed back to the awning of the gas station, already soaked, to take her call, and much like all the other recent conversations they’d had, she grew anxious within a few minutes of saying hello. Her words came out short and sharp. Everything had been a battle for them for the last several weeks. He tried to calm her down, but nothing worked. He knew she was worried, but she had no idea the turmoil and stress she put him through each time they spoke. More than a thousand miles apart, her in Texas ready to deploy and him in Nashville on his way north, there wasn’t anything he could do to ease her mind other than listen. That proved to be more and more difficult with every call.

  The constant accusation of him finding someone else while she was gone pissed him off. Sera knew him, knew he wasn’t that kind of man, yet she continually threw it out. It was like she was trying to break him down. Had been for weeks, and on that raining day, he teetered closely on the edge. He wasn’t sure how they were going to get through the next twelve months without both of them going completely insane if something didn’t change. Just as the bus driver yelled his name, indicating it was time to go, she threw out the allegation again. That was when he finally broke.

  Sera, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep on like this. I’ve got too much going on right now. Those three sentences said so much, yet they didn’t. He wasn’t even sure what they meant when they came out of his mouth and it didn’t help that she didn’t say anything in return. Tyler! the driver yelled again. He put a finger up to say he’d be a minute longer. This isn’t fair to either one of us. Another long silence came and then the line went dead. He wasn’t so surprised as much as mad that she’d hung up on him; she’d done it before. Angry, he crammed the phone back in his jeans, ran across the water-soaked parking lot, climbed on board, and settled in for a six-hour drive to some small town in southern Ohio. She didn’t answer when he tried to call back three hours later. If there had been any confusion about what he meant, the voicemail he left cleared it all up. I think this is for the best. Maybe we both need a break. Be careful. I love you.

  Unsure of how long he’d stood watching Sera make trips across the yard, he gave her one more look, then went back inside to the guest room, pulled out the plastic bottle from inside his suitcase, and popped a small orange-colored pill into his mouth.

  CHAPTER 8

  Knees bouncing, Tyler darted his gaze from the clock on the wall to the door and back. When seven o’clock came and went, he gave Sera until eight to come home. At eight, he decided to wait until nine before he went looking for her. It was a quarter till.

  She’d taken off again just as soon as the pill he’d taken did its job and knocked him out for the rest of the afternoon. It was after five when he woke, and without a word from her, crazy ideas hung in his head. Where she might be or whom with. Maggie? Maybe, but he didn’t have her number and wasn’t sure if she still lived in the same place. He thought about driving out to check, but really didn’t think he’d find Sera there anyway. They were never the kind of close friends that shared deep feelings. Actually, Maggie had probably shared a lot. It was Sera who didn’t divulge often. This could only mean she was likely off on her own, traipsing around in the dark—God, he hoped not, but with her, anything was possible. She’d once hitchhiked home, from one of his shows in the next town over, because they’d had a disagreement. He’d been out of his mind that night, but even more so now.

  Their argument that afternoon left him greatly concerned. He’d pushed her, and then kept doing so, trying to make her say something—anything. And then he didn’t like her response when she did. She made it sound like his love was contingent with the timing of his life and whether or not it was going smoothly. His career was taking off and he was already burning out, while she was suffering in a way he couldn’t begin to understand. It definitely wasn’t the ideal circumstances to try to win your old girlfriend back, if you asked him.

  Unable to sit still any longer, he jumped up and headed for the kitchen. Running his hands under the faucet, he patted his face and just turned around to check the time again when the phone rang. Instead of calming, it only pricked his already wild nerves.

  “Hey, Ty, it’s Merv. Hate to bother you, buddy, but I think you should come down here.”

  Whatever the reason for Merv’s call, Tyler knew it had to do with Sera. The crazy images materialized again. Had she picked a fight with another patron? Gone on a drinking binge and acted out? The latter was less likely but a lot of time had passed. A lot had changed. Not taking the time to ask, he hung up, saying he’d be right there.

  • • •

  For a Wednesday night, Merv packed in the house. Only a few tables sat empty as Tyler scanned the room, ignoring the music ringing in the background. No familiar faces popped out at him, but then he was only concerned with one in particular.

  Not finding Sera at any of the tables, he surveyed the bar and saw Merv standing in the doorway next to the rear entrance. Slowly he made his way there, unsure if he was ready to see what he may encounter. The idea of her belligerently drunk and outside puking was the only conceivable theory and it tore at his soul to think she’d sunk that low.

  “Hey,” Merv said when he was near.

  “Hey,” Tyler offered back, giving a fast look outside the door, once more disappointed that he didn’t find Sera.

  “I didn’t know who else to call,” Merv explained.

  Tyler searched the back parking lot in the direction Merv pointed. He saw Sera sitting in the grass about ten yards away from the railroad tracks with her legs pulled up and wrapped tightly with her arms against her body. She looked lost, completely lost.

  “How long has she been there?”

  “She came in about four thirty this afternoon. Sat at the bar for about an hour or so, then got up and walked out the back door. When she didn’t come back in, I went looking for her and found her out there. She told me to go to hell. She’s been sitting there ever since. It was getting late, so I figure she needed to get home.”

  A bit of fear crept up with worry that Sera’s condition might be worse off than he’d imagined. He hated considering the option, but had no other viable reason for what she was doing. “How much did she have to drink?”

  “Just a Coke. We talked a bit. She seemed completely sober to me. A little sad, maybe, but I figured the two of you might have gotten into a spat or something.”

  With that, Tyler made his way out the door and across the lot. He reached the grass just as the signal sounded for a coming train.

  “Shit.” Timing definitely wasn’t on his side today.

  His first reaction was to run to and herd her away so as not to have a repeat of the night before, but his curiosity to understand what she was doing overruled the idea to shield her. She’d been out there for hours. A train passed roughly every three. She’d endured the tragedy at least once on her own.

  As the signal grew louder, she covered her ears. When the whistle blew, right before the train approached the crossing, she started rocking back and forth. The air in his chest thickened as he saw her body sink into a shudder as the first car passed. Even from where he stood the pressure of the train cutting through the night could be felt. The evening air pushed back, and Sera sat practically underneath, taking it all full force, hearing
the cruel sounds without any kind of buffer.

  With the last of the cars out of sight, she slumped forward, resting her head on her knees. A large lump formed in his throat, and the stinging rise of bile coated his neck. Swallowing hard, hoping to make it disappear, he began making his way to where she sat, but each step exemplified his unease. The tightness that had started in his stomach was everywhere now. His lungs felt as if they were about to combust. His shoulders constricted with every step he took and his head blazed with a troubled fury as the understanding of what she was doing came. It wasn’t any kind of suicide attempt. She was there to torture herself.

  The rigidity dissolved a little once he was seated next to her, but then only enough to allow him to breathe. Unsure of where to start, he was once more lost for words for the woman he still desperately loved. He damned himself for being clueless on what to say or do when she needed him most.

  They sat for what seemed like ages until finally Sera broke the silence.

  “Merv call you?”

  She’d regained some control. Tyler hadn’t looked at her directly to know she’d been crying. He saw the way her body convulsed though, and heard the sniffles that were trying to replace the sobs that were there just a few moments ago.

  “He did.” There wasn’t any point in lying. She’d be able to see right through him.

  Another silence dragged on. Tyler picked at a blade of grass, attempting to get a handle on his emotions. “Why are you doing this?”

  • • •

  Sera looked straight ahead. Why? The answer was so simple, but she was sure Tyler wouldn’t get it.

  “You think I’m crazy, don’t you?”

  “Are you trying to make me think you are?”

  “No.”

  “No, Sera, I don’t think you’re crazy. Having a hard time with something, yes, but not crazy. In fact, if you sat in the house all day being pleasant and nice, then I might question it. You were never the kind who sat back and let something take you over, but I don’t understand. Not this. Why would you put yourself through this?”

  Sera thought about what she wanted to say. She had so much bundled up inside. There was so much Tyler didn’t know. No one knew. PTSD had so many different layers and degrees to it that it was a hard condition to figure out. Not one affected person acted or responded the same and while some knew what triggered their episodes, others weren’t so lucky. She wanted to count her blessings. Trains were an obvious prompt for her breakdowns and while she had once tried to avoid them, she was tired of running from her problems. Running wasn’t helping. Whether she eluded any sightings of them or not, the memories were still there. Somehow she still found her way back to that day beside the tracks in Afghanistan. The sad part was, the thought of a train had actually brought her comforting memories in the moments before the blast. But now all it was was a reminder of what had happened.

  At times, the guilt was so incredibly unbearable she thought it might do her in. Not that she would ever consider the option. It was the physical weariness that wore on her. The mental exhaustion that kept her in fits. Every day, she got up feeling as if she were battling something—except she wasn’t sure what it was. She wondered if stress could really kill a person, if she’d just go to bed one night and not wake up. The idea was fearsome. Likely the reason she didn’t want to fall asleep.

  It wasn’t the way she wanted to live. She didn’t want the rest of her life stalked with bad memories and sleepless nights. She wanted some normalcy again. To do the things she always dreamt about. The things Tyler had mentioned earlier that day: get married, have a family. A job wasn’t anything she’d really ever considered because her future had always revolved around Tyler’s career, but right now, she’d take that over wallowing in her own self-pity. She hadn’t given any of that much thought since returning from Afghanistan. Her focus had been on dealing with her disorder while trying to stay in the army, but when she couldn’t do that, she’d come back home, hoping to heal. But instead of rebuilding her life, the pain had been cut deeper when she had to face Tyler, the man she once believed she’d share all those dreams with.

  Her rollercoaster of emotions had done a loop after their spat that afternoon. He’d flipped her world upside down once again by merely saying that he hadn’t wanted what happened between them. Well, if not, then why had he done it? She wanted so badly to ask, yet she was afraid to know the answer. Along with everything else, she was confused about why she’d kept badgering Tyler about cheating on her. It was never a genuine concern. She had just been so darn angry at the time that she seemed to pick a fight every chance she got. It was a lot to swallow now that she thought back on it.

  Despite all the uncertainty, she knew she was losing the battle to stay angry with him. She hated how he still had the ability to take her from fighting mad to calm and vice versa on a flip of a dime, which was what the past few days had been like. One minute she was ready to uproar and the next they were cuddling in bed like the lovers they once were. She was afraid to go there, especially now that he had laid the groundwork for some kind of peace talk, because if she’d found herself in bed with Tyler on ugly terms, she could definitely see herself there if things were friendlier.

  Which would only give him the power to break her heart all over again, and that was something she couldn’t deal with. Not now. Not with all the other madness going on in her life. Wanton dreams or not, Tyler wasn’t the man to fulfill them for her.

  Remembering that he’d asked a question that she hadn’t answered, she conveyed the gist of what she’d just considered.

  “I just want to be normal again. I don’t want to live like this, Tyler. I want more out of life and if it takes me sitting here every day until I can do so without awful memories going through my head, then I will.”

  “Sera, there are other ways. You’re torturing yourself.”

  “I’ve tried other ways. Nothing helped. I did one-on-one sessions and group therapy. I hate doping myself up just to get through a day. I don’t know what else to do other than face the problem head on.”

  She sensed some understanding when Tyler draped an arm over her shoulder and pulled her into him. It went completely against everything she had just told herself, but she rested against his shoulder and let him hold her anyway.

  It wasn’t until she closed her eyes again that she felt him brush a kiss to the side of her face and say, “I’m proud of you for being so brave.”

  A tear slipped down her cheek. He’d be deeply disappointed if he knew she wasn’t nearly as brave as he believed.

  CHAPTER 9

  The smell of coffee filtered down the hallway as Sera made her way to the kitchen. It wasn’t her usual drink of choice; she much preferred a glass of juice or water in the morning, but the aroma was enticing. After pouring a cup, she looked out the window, seeing Tyler’s long body slumped down in the porch swing with his legs stretched out over the banister.

  Even though it was after ten, she was surprised he was awake. Since arriving, he usually slept in much later than that. She couldn’t blame him with the hours he kept. He’d been awake when she fell asleep while listening to him thumb his guitar. She’d fought the urge to get up and listen more closely, or try to talk about the problems riddling him. His song release was apparently more of an issue than she’d imagined. She’d figured that out when she noticed every time his music was mentioned, his face crinkled with strain. It wasn’t the effect she remembered it having on him and she hated that something he loved so much was bringing him distress.

  He’d given her another pass. There was no prodding or pushing when they left the tracks. He’d taken what she said and left it there. She appreciated his kindness, especially after what she’d put him through the last two days.

  His presence had really thrown her off, but after thinking about it more, she imagined the situation couldn’t be any easier for him. They’d loved each other. Not the kind of love that passed through your teenage years and you never thought abou
t again, but the kind you build a life around and promised forever. Sharing a house with someone with whom you’d broken those promises wasn’t easy. Both of them were also running high on emotions from their individual problems too, which only made the situation more complex. The smart thing would be for one of them to leave, yet neither had. That had to say something, other than the fact that she loathed the idea of going to Chicago and knew Tyler would be completely insane if he spent one night at his father’s. He could have gone back to Nashville, which seemed like the more sensible idea, but he was content to stay, even with all the strain between them. She couldn’t imagine why.

  She’d thought about that while sitting out by the tracks yesterday. She thought a lot—something she tried not to do that often. But while her usual obsession fueled the guilt she carried, yesterday’s unearthing was more about the person she was, and who she wanted to be. She’d been pretty selfish in the past. Not with material things or her time, but emotionally. Her feelings were her own, not anyone else’s, and she didn’t do well when others hammered at the walls she built. Tyler had always been the exception to that, or so she’d thought. Along with a lot of other things yesterday, she realized she’d held back from him too, and that the ending of their engagement was just as much her fault as it was his. So, if their relationship wasn’t as strong as either believed, then what was he doing there now, when it would be so much easier if he left? Trying to make past sins right—sins he didn’t entirely commit.

  • • •

  Hearing the start of the mower, Sera put down the book she was reading and went to the window. Tyler had abandoned the swing. She scanned the yard, seeing the push mower where she’d left it, then went to the back door to see what he was doing.

  He was making his way across what was more of a field than a lawn on the riding mower. She watched for a few moments, her eyes following along the straight lines he drove, the grass piling up neatly behind. She tried to concentrate when she went back to her book, but the picture of his lean body kept pulling her away. After twenty minutes of staring at the same page, she got back up and went to the door again. The August heat, even before noon, was intimidating. On her third trip back, he’d shed his shirt. The thick muscles were marred by an uneven farmer’s tan. She giggled quietly. Celebrities were supposed to keep up with their appearances, but apparently Tyler hadn’t gotten the memo. Weirdly, though, she was attracted to the pasty skin on his chest. The area called to her, saying touch me, touch me. She imagined doing so, running her palms along the widths, settling them in the curve of his waist. Tingling, she looked away, hoping to distract the warm kindling down below. There had been no tainted thoughts the night he’d crawled into her bed. She’d been too upset to acknowledge anything other than that she still found him attractive. However with her mood more amiable and him half naked, she longed for more than looking at him. She’d been with only one other person since Tyler, and as much as she cared for Rollins, they’d never had the kind of chemistry she and Tyler had.